Everything and Nothing

Thursday, November 14, 2002

you can have anyone in a daydream

big or small short or tall anyone at all

you can have anyone in a daydream

young and old truth be told anyone who fits your mold

you can have anyone in a daydream

here's one thing you can't deny there's no such thing as wrong or right

- Anyone in a Daydream, written by Brain Salad (Basti Artadi, David Aguirre, Louie Talan and Brian Velasco)


I've been brooding for a long time about not finding the right person, Today was quite melancholic (credits to the friend who got the word for it), as I was thinking about a discussion earlier this afternoon, related to to the "thinking too much" theme.

I know I need to be patient, but that might be too much a cliche. I've been waiting for too long - like, my whole life. (I'm not joking. Some people I tell about this, think I am. I have never had a committed relationship.)

I'm frustrated in the irony that I'm sociable enough to meet people, but nothing happens.

I fear that people look down at me because of it. I guess it's a phobia since it's an irrational fear, but then I'm very conscious of it. I look at it as something that everyone has gone through - so why is it that I'm not capable of it?

Am I too nerdy? I asked my friend, who said yes. I felt bad about my nerd image, since I've been reading a bit on PEx that the girls didn't like nerdy guys. Alas I don't think I can change it, it's really me, no matter what non-techie things I do. If I weren't into IT tech stuff, I'd still be deeply passionate about some technical thing. Someone would have to accept me for what I am.

I've also realized - it's possible that I have high standards. Some say having standards is good, but a friend pointed out that I am looking at the wrong basis for standards. I usually say I'm looking for someone who's smart and simple. Perhaps conservative as well, since I regard myself as one. But I was reminded of the not-so-good thing that I'm looking for someone as a "status symbol," someone who's accomplished and well-known, so I would be identified with her. Bad.

I was told that I'm affectionate. I hope my affection is requited soon. I'm told I'm trying too hard in making an effort, but then I'm conscious of time passing me by.

Times like these, I get frustrated that the world is imperfect and so are we. I'll need to find my way out of this confusion.


I spent today at the PH-CERT core group meeting, where made some plans. I'll be giving training. I played 3 games of Dance Maniax, and 1 of Percussion Freaks. The games weren't too good, but at least I got some exercise, on top of walking all over Makati.

I took a look at the McGraw-Hill MBA Seminar Series at Powerbooks Pasay Road but it was too technical. Instead, I browsed magazines, and read the graphic novels JLA Earth 2 and Death: The Time of your Life. The latter, Neil Gaiman's writing, got me thinking seriously. These are quite old, but I'm not a serious reader, anyway.


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